beyond the binaries

Posts tagged advice

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thoughts for folks seeking non-normative hormone routes


This was originally written in response to a question and someone requested it be rebloggable:

As far as hormones, only you can really know what you want or need. That said, here are some things i wish someone had told me:

  •  Your gender is valid, regardless of what anyone thinks or says, even if that means other trans* people thinking that you should hold yourself to a transnormative standard.
  • It’s ok to have internalized social body standards. This includes standards from either side of culture’s fucked-up spectrum.
  • Wanting your body to appear to be “traditionally feminine/masculine” does not make you any less queer.
  • Wanting to alter your body to be comfortable in your own skin does not mean you’ve conformed or assimilated, it simply means that you’ve done what you needed to do.
  • Bodies are fun!
  • Changing your body can change your perspective. The way way you interact with the world may be affected by how people perceive your body. This may change the way you see yourself (it did for me… check out my post about inscribing contradiction).
  • Be open to the fact that you may end up wanting something with your body that you didn’t want at the outset. For me, i wanted to “feminize my body in every way” (a phrase i can no longer even comprehend), and now want to have a visibly queer, andro, femme, faggot, trans* body.
  • Your body is perfect, both now and later. Just because it’s perfect doesn’t mean you shouldn’t change it, it will be perfect then too.
  • Trans* bodies are amazing. We’re sexy and different. i learn so much from my body… In many ways, it taught me to love.
  • You define your body, whether you alter it or not. Regardless of what the medical industrial complex says about your body, it’s yours. For example, i don’t have a “male body” i have a trans* body.
  • If you get hormones, you don’t have to take them right away. They can sit on your shelf as long as you like.
  • People may not understand what you want or why you want it. That’s ok, they don’t need to.
  • Be firm with your provider (if you have one). Your desires are far more important than the medical industrial complex’s ideas of what your body should be.
  • If you’re on the trans* feminine spectrum, consider getting a binder… i’ve found it can be fun to hide my new tits sometimes.
  • Recognize that there aren’t good templates for hormone paths, this is even more true for non-normative paths. i’m fortunate to have a genderqueer service provider that celebrates my wants and needs with my body, and even we struggled coming up with the right path for me.
  • As scary as this all may seem, it’s an adventure. Be open to that.
  • Life is for living, learning, and loving. Don’t hold yourself back from what you want or need.
  • You’re beautiful and i love you.

Hopefully this is what you wanted or needed. i’m incredibly open to receiving more questions or thoughts. Obviously this list isn’t comprehensive, and i’m inspired to write a more in depth post on it… hopefully soon. These are just some things i feel are important. Be well darling, and may your life bring you all that you desire.

(via fuckyeahmtfs)

Filed under body hormones transition advice love

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Coming Out as Trangender, Genderqueer, and/or Non-Binary Masterpost


I’ve been getting lots of questions on Genderqueer Identities in regards to coming out lately. I continue to welcome questions, but I would also like to make a masterpost of resources I tend to recommend to people - this is a work in progress. Please note, you should not feel obligated to come out. Furthermore, you may want to come out to some people, but not to others - this is a very personal process.

You may find pros as well as cons in the resources below  - take what you find will be useful to you and leave the rest behind. Be aware that coming out can be followed by unpredictable responses, both positive and negative, from friends, family or partners. Since there are fewer resources at present about coming out as genderqueer or non-binary, many resources will pertain to transgender people who identify as men or women - many of these suggestions can potentially be adapted to one’s own identity and situation. I have also included guides to potentially show people one has come out to to aid in understanding - as with the guides on coming out, use your own discretion, as a variety of suggestions and viewpoints are represented.

If you know of further resources concerning coming out as trans*, genderqueer, and/or non-binary or want to share your own personal coming out story, please let me know!

How-Tos on Coming Out:

Human Rights Commission: Transgender (scroll down the page to Coming Out to Family as Transgender, Coming Out in the Workplace as Transgender, and/or Marriage and Coming Out as Transgender)

MCC Transgender Ministries - Coming Out as a Transgender Person: A Workbook (religion-oriented)

PFLAG: Coming Out Trans to Your Parents & Family

Susan’s Place: A Guide to Coming Out to Family

Transgender Mental Health: Thoughts on “coming out” as Transgender to family

TransYouth Family Allies: Considering Coming Out as Gender Variant/Transgender to Your Parents?

Forums Where You Can Ask Questions About Coming Out:

AVEN: Gender DiscussionForum GenderQueer (Russian), Laura’s PlaygroundScarleteen: Gender IssuesSusan’s PlaceTransYadaWhat is Gender?

Personal Stories and Advice on Coming Out and Other Resources:

Coming out to your parents: a 101 for non-binary types

Genderqueer Fashionista: Coming Out to My Family

Hackgender: On Coming Out as Genderqueer

Neutrois Nonsense: On (Not) Coming Out

Neutrois Nonsense: Coming Out: The Plan

Nico Lang: Yup, I’m Genderqueer

When I Came Out: Stories on Coming Out as Genderqueer

youwillfly: Dating a Genderqueer (focused on coming out to a partner)

Search for posts on coming out

Search for posts on coming out

FAQs and Guides for People You Have Come Out To:

American Psychological Association: Answers to Your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression

Feeling Wrong in Your Own Body: Understanding What it Means to Be Transgender by Jaime Seba (a good general guide - title may be problematic; this includes some discussion of genderqueer identity)

Gender Now Coloring Book: A Learning Adventure for Children and Adults by Maya Christina Gonzales

TransWhat?: A Guide Towards Allyship

Filed under resource list coming out advice

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Tucking: About Us


This blog is aimed at DMAB (that’s designated male at birth) trans people. We’re tired of playing second fiddle to DFAB trans people in the queer community and having our spaces flooded exclusively with pictures and advice about binding, packing, testosterone, how to cultivate facial hair, etc. etc.

So here is a blog for you, DMAB people, where we’re going to be talking about tucking, padding, oestrogen, obliterating facial hair, makeup, clothes, and anything else your cisgender parents didn’t teach you, and your queer community was too busy elsewhere to fill you in on.

Some of the advice here will relate particularly to trans* women to do with passing, going stealth, transitioning and so on, but for the most part we’d hope that our advice will be as helpful to DMAB nonbinary trans* people to consolidate their knowledge on how to express their gender too!

Filed under DMAB advice blog tumblr

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Dear younger self - By, Ivan Coyote


A couple of weeks ago a young butch friend of mine asked me if I would help her out with her art-school homework. She said she was doing a photo project, taking pictures of older butches. You know, like, documenting her elders.

Sure, I thought to myself, I know several older butches who I could hook her up with. A couple of them have moved to the Sunshine Coast, like they do, but I could certainly track them down, no problem. 

It slowly dawned on me that she was referring to me. I was the older butch she wanted to document. At first this realization made me laugh, and then it made my right knee ache, like it does.

I am 42. She is 21. I can’t help but do the math. I had been out of the closet for three years already by the time she was born. I was navigating my way through the gender binary blues when she was learning to do up the Velcro straps on her first-day-of-school shoes. She has probably never dialled a rotary phone. 

More and more at my shows, young butches and barely whiskered trans guys have been coming up and telling me that my books and stories helped them get through high school, or even junior high. They thank me for being a role model. This makes me feel simultaneously honoured and terrified. It makes my heart sing to know that they had what I didn’t even know I needed when I was a kid: someone they could imagine growing up to be like. It makes my heart pound to know that this means I now have to somehow be worthy of this kind of respect. 

How can I possibly be a role model when I feel like I am just now starting to fit into my own skin? When I am still stretching and bending the space around me to make room for myself? How could I possibly give advice away when I just got my hands on it? (read on)

(via )

Filed under ivan coyote ivan e. coyote advice

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Ask Matt: Trans Siblings Double Trouble for Parents?

A reader writes: “I’ve had an idea that I might be transsexual for a number of years now…

“My problem is this – my sister is in the middle of transitioning. She has started hormone therapy, and is very happy, but our parents are still having some difficulty…

“I’m terrified of bringing it up, because I feel like there might be an official tally somewhere in their brains that monitors the number of transgendered children they can deal with, and that the limit is one. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”

Filed under advice trans family parents soffa siblings

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A post by Silly Trans Woman:

"This article is really for people who are either just starting their transition and have little to no breast development or anyone else really who wants to look like they have natural breasts. Before I started hormones I tried all of the tricks I could find on how to make it look like I had some cleavage… Unfortunately, I never had any real success until I bought some good breastforms.

What is a breastform? Well basically it is a prosthetic breast. They come in different colors and all shapes and sizes… (read on)

Filed under breastforms breasts chest trans woman advice how to